Tuesday, February 8, 2011

WWJD - Part 3

(This is the last installment in my WWJD posts.)

Even on the heels of a great fasting experience, while I was reading a book about starting your photography business, I started to covet new equipment again and began to allow myself to feel inadequate as a photographer. I felt like I couldn't in good conscience market myself a "Pro" if I didn't have "Pro" gear, yet I wanted so bad to be a "Pro."


Fast forward a few more days to Sunday afternoon. I was sitting down reading The Cost of Discipleship, and I began to feel convicted that I was not obediently following the call of Christ in my life. I know that he called Peter and Levi (and others) to leave their careers (their personal choice for their life's path) and follow his call, and I began to ask what that was supposed to look like in my life. I can't very well leave James here to fend for himself while I go off to Nicaragua (or elsewhere) and "win souls to Christ." But I also knew in my heart that James is my calling, and raising a child to love and seek God with all their heart is without a doubt a very worthwhile calling. Quickly I began to ask if my photography was the desire I was to give up in pursuit of Christ's calling. The same old struggle was fresh again as I battled my selfish desire to succeed as a professional photographer and my spirit's desire to please my Savior and Lord. In times like these I love to journal, so I began to feverishly write out my thoughts, frustrations and confusion to God. Below is part of today's entry:


How am I to know what my calling is? God, why do I have such a passion for photography? Why do I hold myself to such a level of perfection? Surely I can glorify you even without a better camera, but when I look at the quality of my photos I am dissatisfied. And I feel like throwing up my hands and saying, "to heck with it!" But then I would miss the chance to glorify you with my craft. I want to be content with glorifying you rather than seeking perfection but then why can't I let that drive go? What I want to do I do not to and what I do not want to do I do. Why God?... Where is the balance between this driven personality that you have placed in me and satisfaction in less than perfection in what I do? Why must this unique blessing [the drive] you gave me be so easily twisted into sin? How do I make the most of your gift [of photography] without being extreme with it?



Thankfully, God also gave me a wise counselor in my wonderful husband, and after letting me vent all my frustrations, desires, disappointments, etc., he calmly explained how he believes God looks at my callings- mommy and photography. And it clicked.


Yes, I may get frustrated that I spend most of my days re-doing what I did the day before (or in some cases just minutes before) like washing dishes or changing dirty diapers, but those things are all important, and just because I am called to something, doesn't mean that I will "like" every moment of it. "Do you think the disciples were always thinking, 'Yay! I love walking miles and miles in these sandals following Jesus all over Israel!'", he asked. "Or when Stephen was being stoned for his faith was he thinking, 'Yeah man! I love these rocks! They are so much fun!'?" Point well taken.


So that brings be back to WWJD. Jesus did you "like" everything you were called to do during your ministry on earth? Obviously, you didn't enjoy the cross, but did you ever think, "I'd really rather rest than heal the rest of these people, but I'll do it anyway" or "I'm tired of teaching, but this is why I came?" You were fully God so you fulfilled your calling perfectly, but you were also fully human, so there must have been times that you were tired or burnt out, but you chose to press through those feelings. I am called to do the same.


So, what would Jesus do? I believe he would keep washing dishes and changing diapers no matter how pointlessly repetitive it seemed. He would keep playing blocks with James and putting them back in the box again no matter how impossible it seemed to keep anything put away neatly. And he would keep shooting (photos) no matter how frustrated he got with the graininess of his photos in dark light or the lack of time he had available weekly to "better his craft." He would seek to glorify God by showcasing His amazing creation in new, beautiful ways and by providing tangible reminders of special moments to families who couldn't afford a "Pro" with more expensive gear and correspondingly high prices.


I have a purpose... a calling if you will... in my photography. I want to become as proficient as possible at using my equipment and patiently wait for God's timing in "upgrading" if that is part of his plan. I also want to be satisfied and confident providing the best services I am capable of to my clients at prices that they can afford. And I want to look for "divine appointments" to use my photography talents to make an eternal impact for God's Kingdom!


To Him be the Glory,


Ally


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